Separation Anxiety

By Dr. Edward F. Group III, DC, ND, DACBN
updated on 11/19/2007 at 03:03PM

You've always been the apple of your baby's eye. But suddenly, it seems that your one year old is terrified of everyone else except for you. They’re anxious and distressed when you visit friends or relatives and clings to you for dear life if you try to leave the room. They may even be upset around relatives or caregivers that see them on a daily basis. Sound familiar? If so, then your toddler is going through separation anxiety, a very normal phase of childhood development. But that fact that it’s normal, doesn’t exactly make you feel any better when you have to pry them off of your leg in order to go to the bathroom. Here’s a closer look at what your child is going through and how you can cope until your child outgrows it.

What Is Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety is a stage of behavioral growth that your child will go through at some point in his or her young life. Separation anxiety usually begins between the ages of eight months and one year and peaks between the ages of one and two. However, the exact age can vary widely from child to child. Some children may experience it later, at around three or four years old, and others may never go through it.
When a child is experiencing separation anxiety, they will not want to be separated from their closest caregivers, usually the parents. They may become intensely stressed whenever mom or dad leaves their sight.

How Does Separation Anxiety Develop?

Most infants can adapt well to other caregivers. So long as their basic needs are being met, infants are usually happy with whoever is caring for them. But at around eight months of age, your baby will begin to understand the difference between familiar and unfamiliar people. They may begin to appear anxious and stressed if you leave their sight in an unfamiliar area such as a friend's house or at the library. Between one year and two years old, your child becomes more and more independent, increasing their uncertainty about being separated from you. They may become agitated and upset whenever you leave their sight, even in the company friends or relatives that they see frequently.
Developmentally, your child is beginning to understand the concept of object permanence. They understand now that there is only one of you, and they understand that when you are out of sight, you must have gone away. However, they don’t quite yet understand the concept of time, nor do they know if or when you are comeingback. Your child cannot tell the difference between you leaving for a quick trip to the bathroom or a full day of work.

How Does Separation Anxiety Affect You?

Parents of children experiencing separation anxiety typically go through a range of different emotions. It’s always nice to feel wanted, and you may even feel flattered that your child loves and trusts you so deeply. However, you may soon become resentful of the fact that you can no longer get even a minute of time to yourself. And if you do have to leave your child, you are likely to feel guilty about the stress that they are feeling. In time, you may also feel overwhelmed as to the amount of attention your child seems to need.

How Can You Minimize Separation Anxiety?

There are a number of strategies you can use to help ease the anxiety that a separation may cause. As with any transition, give your baby a chance to get used to the idea gradually. Here are a few tips for making goodbyes easier on both of you:

Time It Right: If you’re just beginning a move to daycare or a daytime child care provider, try to avoid starting when you child is in this tender phase (eight months to one year.) when separation anxiety is most prevalent. Also, when you do need to leave your child, make sure they’re not tired or hungry as this may increase their stress.
Practice Makes Perfect: Try a few practice rounds with the new care giver or at the new daycare, where you stay with your child and interact with the people that will be with them. This will help make the transition easier when you are not by their side.
Let Them Get Comfy: As your baby is transitioning through this new phase, try to stay with them a little longer at the daycare or the babysitter's house so that they have a chance to become well engaged before you step out the door.
Always Say Goodbye: Resist the urge to sneak out as this will only make your toddler more anxious the next time you are out of sight. Give them a kiss, say goodbye, and then leave.
Keep It Light: If they notice that you’re anxious or stressed about your departure, they’ll be stressed too. Keep your explanations simple and light. And remind yourself that this too will pass. Before you know it, they’ll enter their teenage years and you’ll long for the days when they clung to your pant leg!

Learn more about stress, anxiety, depression and the newest natural remedies at www.stress-anxiety-depression.org.